I know a lady who had the fart burps, but she's better now. And I am too. I'd never totally gotten over the shame and self-doubt brought on by the fart burps, aka the stinky croaks, belch bombs or hairy hiccups. But now I realize it is no less than human, allzumenschliches, to have farts come out of your mouth. She said it's the Rolaids. Apparently Rolaids spell relief of gas and bloating but not of farting out of your mouth.
I'm getting ready for an interview (I think) on Friday in the Quirky. My wife, perhaps partly because she wants to see me get some use out of my brand new suit (which cost me $200 but really could have cost $400, I swear) suggested I wear it, but journos generally go a little bit more down-market. Besides, I bought the suit like three weeks ago and barely fit into it then, so I'd have to majorly fast to get into it now. And I anticipate being hungry tomorrow.
I will, however, wear the long shoes. I don't know when shoes got long, and how phallic the long shoes were intended to be, but I'm going for it. These fuckers are like three inches longer than my feet. Forget a sportscar; if you can get that cocksman reputation from a pair of foot-snugs, why not?
Also, my sister's coming in from Japan (good sushi there! check it out!) for a Quirkstop while I'm down there. I know she'll appreciate my shoes, even if you fuckers don't, so I'm glad she's making the trip.
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4 comments:
Now THAT shit was funny. I actually giggled out loud. But I do not appreciate the jabs you take at the fart burps. You, of all people, taking jabs at the fart burps. You, the original fart-burper. You make me sick.
Also, you can't just talk about your damned long-assed shoes without posting a picture of them. What the hell good is a description without being able to see the ridiculous length of your snazzy, snappy shoes? You think the man with the fifteen inch shoes needs to prove himself to anyone? COME ON!
Oh, I see. It used to be "vurps" but now you've mildified it.
You're a poet.
Your shoes show it.
They're longfellows.
Moses, you are such a dunce. Vurps are not Furps. Vurps are when you burp and your mouth fills with unexpected vomit. Furps are when you belch and it smells like you farted out of your mouth. Now you could, theoretically, furp and vurp at the same time, combining them into a new creature entirely (fvurp?), but I have never heard of this phenomenon and frankly don't know if it's even within the realm of physical reality.
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